Since I'm moving to a smaller place--a place that doesn't require a 32" tv for normal viewing and an additional 27" number should I happen to saunter to the kitchen between downs--I decided to get rid of my smaller tv.

To Craigslist!

I put the ad up at 9:30am today, and so far I've had 5 responses. Jee-sus. Now if only I could get rid of my homemade poker table, I'd be set.

Hey, do you know anybody that wants a poker table, cheap? Something tells me that late night poker parties in an apartment complex wouldn't go over that well with the management. Crazy I am.

Now we're up to 6. Most of the replies would like to pick the tv up tonight, but I have to go to a wedding at 6pm. Yes, on a Friday. Yay for relationships, huh?

I clearly did not think this all the way through, as I don't have the time today to let people come look at my tv. I should've waited until tomorrow to post. So, I think I'll let the replies pile up in my inbox before responding to anyone; let them sweat it out a little bit before resonding to the person whose name looks like coolest. I like playing God

7

It looks like he may be lucky number 7, too, because he's not working today and has a truck so that he can move it.

Now we're up to 8, and that's exactly three seconds after I received number #7. Christ.

Are people really this hard up for television sets? Is there some sort of underground market for Daewoo craftmanship of which I am blissfully unaware? Crazy stuff. I had to go back to my ad to make sure I listed it as "27" TV", and not "27" TV +a side of crack cocaine!".

You know what else is fun? Plugging a respondent's email address into the search function of Myspace. It's like being able to choose a home for my baby based on how a person looks. Works for me. Unfortunately, though, it doesn't look I have any potential buyers that are in the 13-17 year old demographic.

Pokernerd's site ganked? No, not that Gank. Ganked.

Sad.

Otis ended his foray into cleverness in my comments the other day, and since then I've seen a small spike in people coming to my site. Unintended, I'm sure, but nice of him to do so all the same. If you haven't noticed, I've been very lax in posting in this space lately. If you have noticed, your name is probably Drizz, and in that case, Hi Drizz! If anyone else is out there, I might as well humor them with a post.

The lack of posts is about to change, me thinks. No, I haven't cleaned up on the cap games at Full Tilt. In fact, I can't seem to gain traction on the site at all. It's the same problem I have at many of the bigger sites; table selection. Full Tilt, Poker Stars and Party Poker have so many tables, and it's easy to get a rotten table. That would mean that it should be just as easy to find a better table, sure, but there's a fine line between finding a good ratio of good players vs. bad, and just wasting time table hopping.

What I'm trying to say is that it's just so damn easy, for me specifically, to get lost on the bigger sites. With so many choices, there are so many more opportunities to choose poorly. Table selection is imperative, and I am terrible at it. I also find it tough to tag and chase shitbag chip spewers in the limited amount of time I've put into the game in the past few months.

I deposited $100 into Full Tilt a week ago, and right now it's sitting at $92. Treading water, but that's better than the way I'd been leaking at the 6-max tables over the past year. If anything, my history should prove that I'm not a 6-max player. Not yet. Sure, 6-max may provide more action, but a full table is akin to sitting under a palm tree, sipping a drink out of a coconut; it's almost that relaxing for me.

The only thing left for me is to find my comfort zone while playing in an ill-fitting banana hammock.

Hold it, hold it. Let that visual settle in a bit...aaaaaand there we go. Picture TronMan's mooseknuckle, and there you have it. I hope this post hits you right before lunch.

As CFO of Me, I've made the executive decision to not deposit anymore money into poker sites for a bit, outside of the $100 that I've got sitting on FT, of course. Last Friday I scoured the web(not the kind of scouring you're trying to perform on your brain right now) for deposit free bonuses, and I found a couple on Bonuswhores.com. A free $10 here, an easy $5 there; I mean, what the hell, right? I had nothing to lose.

4 days later I have exactly $560 to lose from one particular site. I've run the free $10 up $550. Not too shabby. I'm hesistant to give the site's name, pending a cashout. I'd rather not recommend a site to people I consider friends if it turns out more hassle than it's worth. Hey, I freely offer up myself as guinea pig for yous guys and girls in the name of soft games.

After playing a tiny bit of $1/$2 NL last night--the first $1/$2 I've played online in over a year--the main reasons I started playing this game reared their pretty head once again. It's that feeling you get while waiting for someone to fold your large turn bet; the thumpTHUMPthump of your chest; the adrenaline rush and dispersal of epinephrine as the pot slides your way.

Goddamn, it's almost better than sex. I know it's more satisfying than a humongous sneeze-fart.

Last night I decided it was time to come back from my hiatus by deposting on Full Tilt with the intent of trying out their new "cap games".

Here's what I learned:

1)The cap game, as it's structured on Full Tilt right now, is fucking retarded. Picture a incontinent kid with Down's playing badminton against a crippled FAS baby, and that's only 1/4 the retardedness of the 30BB cap on Full Tilt. It takes all decisions out of play because you end up capped on the turn if it's a raised pot. And you thought low-limit blogger NL tables were like bingo? Hardly. Shove the cap in, pray you've been living well. That's all there is to it.

That said, though...

2)Cap games can be a lot of fun. If you're looking to blow off a little steam without risking a shitload of money, this is the place to do it. Why is it better over micro-limit NL games? If you continually go all-in in a regular micro game, sooner or later you may get called. In the cap game, you will get called. By everybody at the table, even the dealer.

I had one guy call my cap bet on an all paint board with 10 high.

10!

High! Of course he hit and we chopped, but that's not the point I'm trying to make here.

3)Buying in with $1K+ on a table where the cap is $3 is funny. But it kills the game.

I'm looking at you, Alan and Drizz. Ahem.

They were just trying to be funny, I understand, and I laughed but it still doesn't explain why other people bought into that small of a game with $50. Why is the max buy-in so high?

4)If I can't withstand the 6-max cap game "swings", I probably need to give up poker.

I find full ring NL games, online at least, bo-ring. I like 6-max, but I haven't had the bankroll recently to sustain the swings and ultimately end up going busto. Granted, losing $150 (after building up from $50) isn't technically "going busto", but you're picking up what I'm putting down, right? Right.

I intend on playing these for another few days in order to make a better informed decision. Hopefully my monitor doesn't "accidentally" tip over in the process.

************************************************
If everything goes as planned, I'll be moving to a new place--my very first place of my own, bless my little heart--October 1st. No more living above a gay salon where every car in the parking lot is a Benz, Rolls, or even the occasional Lamborghini. No lie. The good thing about this is that I'll have no roommates, thus, fewer distractions and should be able to focus more on the poker.

Now if only I could get the girlfriend to shut the hell up while I'm check-raising douchebags, I'd be in heaven.

PS- If you're my girlfriend and you just happen to be reading this right now, I didn't mean that last sentence. Shnookums.

Anybody remember this from back in March, where I was "raisined" by the girl bartender with a hot-ass? Of course, everybody does.

Anyhow, I'm sitting on *Myspace last night, really quickly checking to see if any hotties had left me their number.

They didn't.

But I checked my 'sent' box to see if any of the people I'd sent messages to yesterday had read what I wrote.

They hadn't.

I'd sent one to my friend, Michelle, The Bartender, asking if she found a place in uptown yet, and one to my friend Susan seeing how her move this weekend went.

The Girlfriend, who was over at the time, comes up behind me and sees the girl in the weird pink outfit and says "You know Michelle [last name I don't remember]?"

"Yeah. How do you know Michelle?" I says.

"She used to live with my friend Janelle. Michelle is a big ol' lesbian." she says.

Do you hear that sound? That whistling sound? It's the same sound you hear in every Roadrunner cartoon ever made. It's the sound of my Wile Coyote dream running off a cliff and plummeting to the bottom of the canyon.

So, there you have it; the girl that raisined me is a lesbian. And The Girl knows lesbians; she said her sister eats at the Y frequently. And I didn't even know they had a snack bar!

I still contend that she's bi,(that's just me holding on to something that never existed, probably), and I wasn't about to tell The Girl why I thought that. I don't know what's worse, though; the fact that I thought I had a shot with her in the first place, or that I'll probably still think the same thing the next time she rubs my arm and pours me a pint.

Right now it's too close to call.

*Shut up. Just shut up.

I will fully admit that I'm not overly versed in the ways of grammar, sentence structure, nor am I overly verbose or skilled in the art of superfluous word usage. I also do not repeat myself redundantly.

All I'm saying is that I don't know English that good. I know how to spell, and that's about it. But, from to time, I know when something is being misused. I'm sure I could come up with many examples, but for today's lesson, class, I'll only list one.

M.I.L.F--acronym for "Mother I'd Like to Fuck"

Some random dude is walking around the streets of Uptown and sees a girl, and wowza, would he like to copulate with her vaginal intake valve. She's dragging a towheaded child behind her, so she becomes a MILF. Any reasonably attractive woman with a kid is now given the MILF monikor.

My problem with the acronym arises when the wrong people try to use it. I see it time and time again where the woman with the kid calls herself a MILF, and I don't understand it. Wait, what? Woman with Kid; you're a mom you'd like to fuck? First of all, I don't think you're allowed to make that kind of judgement call, and second, you make no sense. Idiot.

The woman who is called a MILF by a man is not allowed to call herself a MILF. It's a new rule. Yes, I understand that "MTRDWLTF"(Mom That Random Dude Would Like To Fuck) is not only impossible to pronounce with it's lack of consonants, but doesn't have that ring to it that MILF does. But, is MILF that much of a compliment? Just because some dude with a sex drive--and I hear that only a small minority of the male population has a sex drive--wants to bone you, it doesn't mean you're pretty. Or sexy. Or even not googly-eyed.

Some people fuck barnyard animals for fun, but that doesn't mean that Bessie or Wilbur are all that attractive to the vast majority of the population. Just because someone calls you a MILF doesn't mean you're allowed a) believe that you are from here to the end of time, and b) use it as a valid description of yourself. End of story.

As an aside; is there something, in a legal sense(or even not legal for all I care), that I can do about those girls that go around and call themselves hot, when they're so not? As in, in the exact opposite of hot, most of the time resembling a beached sea cow holding a diet coke and a rice cake. You know the ones I'm talking about. It's an epidemic and needs to be stopped.

Yes, I realize this is all pretty goddamn pedantic, but I just learned a new word today and was hellbent on including it in this entry.

And, isn't it about time we retire the word "douchebag"? I think it is.