Pokerama-rama! Now with more beer!

Beer, brewing and poker, with possibly some inane drivel on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

I played poker last night. I lost. Next!

Fin. [smash cut]

Honestly, I was playing for 2nd place(or, as I like to call it, "donating") as I wouldn't have been able to go to the Borgata anyhow. But thanks, Pauly, for setting the whole thing up. 500 entrants is a ridiculous number, and I salute you and your gigantic appetite for food.

So, I had this car. It was a shitty car. Aqua in color, pieces of trim were missing and the passenger side seat belt didn't ratchet out the way it was supposed to ratchet, making it not so much a seat belt as a static swatch of fabric hanging from the frame. I don't entirely understand why Molly didn't like to ride shotgun.

The front left blinker exploded in an accident a few years back that was entirely my fault. No left hand turns for me. You think that's a joke, but I learned how to get to and from work by right turns and right turns alone.

But, it ran well and required very little maintenance over the past years, if only because I refused to put any money into the damn thing, not even for an oil change. I'm surprised that the engine didn't seize more than anything.

I walked by the car as it was parked in front of my apartment last weekend and noticed that the passenger side door was unlocked. I don't remember leaving it unlocked, which was odd, but it's very possible that I had beer on the brain when I got home from work. The only theft deterrent in place was it's sheer hideousness and it kind of smelled a little because the windows were left open during a deluge a few days earlier, and I'm sure the seats were beginning to rot, or a large rodent had decided to take refuge under a seat, then proceeded to die.

The only thing of real value in the car was the stereo, and the last time I left the removable face on was 6 years ago, and before that, I don't even remember. Obviously the stereo was stolen the same night.

So, it was a real surprise to me when I checked out my car and nothing was gone. Not even the stereo face that I'd left in the glove box for the first time in 6 years. Everything was rifled through--glove box open, ashtray removed and overturned--but miracle of miracles, everything was right where it was supposed to be, amongst the Twix wrappers and cans of Starbuck's doubleshot. I chalked it up to dumb luck. That and a really, really faded thief.

My neighboorhood isn't bad in the least. It's a city, though, and every city has it's fair share of assholes, the kind of assholes that would rather steal stuff for meth money than get a real job. The kind of assholes that I'd be willing to bet couldn't dodge a few hefty swings of an aluminum softball bat(look at me, I'm a tough-guy!).About a month ago Molly and I heard what we thought sounded like a couple getting mugged outside our apartment after a Thursday night bar close. There is crime, but I have yet to choke a bitch(male bitch, naturally) for trying to steal my stuff.

I had all this on my mind as I walked to my new car this morning*, which was parked a block from where I normally park. It's a safe area, away from that shitty street behind Planned Parenthood, but I've still never had a problem parking there. When I came upon my car, I noticed that there was no glare coming from the front driver's side window.

Awww, shit, did they really?

No, they did not, but for some reason both front windows were rolled all the way down. I didn't drink last night, and I don't remember leaving my windows down, ever, when walking away from it, regardless of car or what was inside. I suppose it's entirely possible for me to be that stupid, but being absentminded enough not to roll up the windows on my car, it's not usually my thing.

Nothing was gone, slashed, and none of my shit was fucked up, surprisingly enough, and I was so damn happy to see that windows weren't smashed like I originally thought, which for me is the worst thing about getting something stolen from a car--breaking the window. What a pane in the ass. Then again, I didn't have a damn thing in the car yet to steal. And the only way to steal the actual car is if you have my set of keys, and you ain't gettin' 'em, even if you ask nicely.

It wasn't until this afternoon that I realized that there's no way anyone was inside my car, even with the windows down. And that I'm a fucking moron.

I know I locked it and set the alarm. If you try to get in the car any other way than using the factory key in the lock when the alarm is on--say, by reaching your hand through an open window and flicking the lock--the alarm goes off. When I got to the car, the car was still locked and the alarm set, and never in my years of living in the city have I heard of a thief securing a car again after trying to empty it's contents.

The open glove box can easily be explained by this--the last thing I did before getting out of the car is grab the manual. From the glove box. So, not only was I so excited about a new car that I left the windows down(they're so new it's like they're not even there!), but I also I didn't close the glove box.**

The main reason I'm so sure about all of this is, even if someone, somehow, jimmy-barred their way into my car, how in the hell--why in the hell, really--would they roll down the windows without a goddamn key?

I don't deserve a new car. We all can agree, however, that I am in dire need a new brain.

*First person to guess the make and model of the aforementioned new car gets $10 shiny play dollars shipped to them on Stars. It's not like I'm going to use it. If it comes down to a tie-breaker, though I can't imagine why in Jesus' ass crack it would, we go by color.

**How many times can I use "glove-box" in a post about absolutely nothing important? Glovebox!


At 2:37 PM, Blogger Garthmeister J. said...

Your new car is a baby blue Mini.

Seriously, this is like shooting fish in a barrel. Ship it!

At 2:41 PM, Blogger Irritable Male Syndrome said...

How are you so damn quick at responding, not to mention so wrong with that answer? BZZZZT.

At 3:08 PM, Blogger Garthmeister J. said...

Wait... the Mini is pink instead? Not going for subtlety, are you?

At 9:51 PM, Blogger Uwannabet? said...

VW silver

the kind that you turn the key & the windows automatically roll down type...err never mind GLOVE-BOX (does anyone ever actually put gloves in there anymore?....discuss)

At 11:12 AM, Blogger Drizztdj said...

2008 Envoy in Metallic Blue with spinning rims and running green neon lights.

At 9:11 AM, Blogger StB said...

Since Garth took the obvious choices, I will go with Hyundai Sonata! Burgundy to be exact.

At 12:15 AM, Blogger Ignatious said...

orange and black gremlin.


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