Hi, folks. A-member me?

Sounds like you all had a blast in Vegas, without me. No, no, it's ok. It's not like I was waiting, (praying, possibly whining), and staring at my phone, trying to will it to ring with a dial-a-shot, all weekend long. It's also definitely not like there was one point during the weekend when I was sitting alone in my dark apartment, and when I went to take a swig of my beer that it tasted more like tears from a very depressed, un-wed(sorry mom!), childless(THANK GOD!), not balding(in your face Tele Savalas!), 32 year old with a slight belly (must work on that) mixed with beer. If you can imagine lefse dipped in soy sauce dipped in homebrew dipped in a saucer of pathetic, that's not all what it tasted like. Nope, not a shred of truth in either of those scenarios.

In fact, my very important job as President in Minneapolisville made it tough for me to get away on whim, because I am just that important. My hypochondriac-heavy agoraphobia is a tough thing to wrestle with, too, as was that piece of chicken I had for dinner last night.

Fuck you, freezer burn!

Once upon a time, not so long ago...

...Jonny used to work on the docks...

...oh, wait, different blog. That'll get posted to my BonJoviFanFic.blogspot site later today. Check it out!

Anyhow, not that long ago, people used to come to this site, willingly, to read about my poker shenanigans. Mine, of all people. Crazy, I know! They did, though. They used to say, hey Chad, you're not that shitty of a writer--keep up the sub-par(but good for you) work. And I'd thank them by sheepishly saying "Thank you", like any sheepishly thankful person would. In truth, I'd mock them behind their stupid backs like a real asshole, but they won't ever know that.

I'd like to say, hey bitches(not you, Mom), I'm back! The truth of it is, though, that there really isn't much more that I can possibly say in the way of poker, other than poker blows, and anyone that enjoys playing it is a complete sadist. You already knew that, though, and if I know you like I think I know you, you probably took it as a compliment. Sad, yet oh so true.

Even worse is that people think online poker is "real poker". It's not even close! Let's do a little comparison, shall we? Oh, we shall.

In the past month, online vs. live(home games):

Online, I've been stacked 4 times, in this order:

1) set over set, both hitting on the flop
2) set over set, both hitting on the flop
3) KK vs AA, all in preflop
4) set over set, both hitting on the flop

Live, I've stacked someone(same guy, actually) 3 times, in this order:

1) two overs vs underpair, all in pre-flop, I hit my gutshot on the river. Awesome!
2) same as 1), wet, lather, rinse, repeat if necessary. Once again, pretty freakin' sweet.
3) he flops kings full, I turn jacks full, all the money goes in. I river a jack. Oh yeah, I also stacked a second person on this hand who just happened to be holding AA. How is that not awesome?

So, there you have it. In a very scientific study, you can plainly see that live poker is so much less retarded than online poker, because the crazy shit that happens in live poker is in my favor.

Editor's note: What the fuck is this shit? I leave my laptop unlocked while I go take a dump shave my taint a shower, and someone breaks into my apartment and not only writes a post about poker, of all things, but also uses my exact writing style? What kind of person does that? It's not clever, it's just downright hweird.