Pokerama-rama! Now with more beer!

Beer, brewing and poker, with possibly some inane drivel on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Online Poker

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 8632016

Only 17 more days, huh? Has it already been a year since the last one? Yikes. Time...something something.

As far as my last excuse for a post goes, the only reason I posted it was to show that I'd had KK and AA a total of 22 times over the course of 2k hands, and they had yet to be cracked. You can't see that behind my fat head, though. Of course, the exact time that post hit the blogwaves, my AA was Sirfwalg'ed by someone calling my $900 million reraise with J9o.

Yes, I got stacked. Shut up.

[begin Speaker-esque ramble]

I've been told that I don't look 31, which I like to hear. And if I had to give you one of my secrets, it's this; "Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize!" Yes, I realize that sounds inherently femme-y, especially so with the exclamation point and the upwards inflection with which I usually say it, so would you like to eat my ass now, or later?

But, looking this good(laugh, people, that's a joke) doesn't come without problems. For one, I usually have dark circles under my eyes from the time I get up in the morning until, well, let's just say until I get up the next morning. All the time, really. Sure, alcohol, caffeine and lack of sleep add to that, but they're there even if I don't drink the booze and do go to sleep at 8pm. And I'll give up sleep before I give up caffeine and beer. That wouldn't even be a tough choice.

A few days ago, I was laying on my bed, senior picture style--on my stomach, feet in the air, chin propped on hands--reading one of my many mens magazines. An old roommate used to tease by saying that they were gay porn because of all the shirtless dude pictures, but unlike Playboy, I really do read them for the articles. Well, that and to find out the diet secrets of Hollywood's leading men, like Ryan Reynolds, Ian Somerhalter, and the fat kid from Stand By Me.

So, I'm reading about grooming tips(and giggling, by the way) when I came across a small blurb touting the latest, greatest men's products, one of which was an "undereye revitilizer". It's supposed to soften(their words, not mine, damn it) dark circles and reduce puffiness. Hey, I have both dark circles I want softened and puffiness that's in dire need of reducing; what a coincidence! Why didn't anyone tell me a product such as this existed? I had no idea.

I hopped on the naked lady machine to see if I could find customer reviews for this product. I didn't find much in that respect, but what I did find was much more troubling than a dissatisfied metrosexual customer in Queens.

My initial google search opened up a veritable spider web of men's products that I had no idea existed. I found gels, lotions, creams, sauves, and this weird fucking thing called a 'serum'. What the hell? I thought serum was something in the blood? Am I mistaken?

10 hours of continous and exhausting google searching later, my quest came to a head when I realized that not only is there a shitload of "product" out there for men, it boggles me mind to think about how much of this stuff is designed with women in mind. And on top of that, the good stuff is absurdly expensive. I can't fathom--would rather not, really-- just how much money is spent by women daily on stuff that's supposed to shade, moisturize, cover-up, lift and seperate. Well, the last two I like to think about quite often, but that's a tangent I'd rather not get into here.

But, this just brings up reason #34223 that I'm happy to be a man, and simultaneously the #1 reason to that I'd like to bitch slap Kyan Douglas for bringing all this to the mainstream.

(oh god, after writing that, it proves just how mainstream it really is. I didn't even have to google his name to be sure he was the Grooming Guru. I already knew. Oh boy.)

In case you're wondering--and I know you are--I did buy some of that miracle eye serum/revitalizer/skin tightener stuffs. I'll let you know how it goes. I suppose, though, that if you see me without dark circles--those that make it look like I've been up all night drinking, when in fact, I've been doing just that--you'll already know the results.

[end Speaker]
I've been coming(or going, depending on where I'm at when writing this) to the same bar for the past few years, mainly because of the friendly bartenders, cheap booze and definitely, most definitely the free wi-fi. Let's do a little math, shall we?

Internet Poker
=Irresistable to the ladies.

Then again, I suck at math. At any rate, that irresistablitude is magnified when you add another dude and another laptop into the mix. And that's exactly what I intend to do.

Next Wednesday, BloodyP and I will be attending a very lengthy happy hour at a fairly trendy bar/restaurant in the (Y)Uptown area of Minneapolis, with the intention of playing some online poker. At the bar. With other people around.

That so gay that I even had a homosexual call me "fag".


At 10:38 PM, Blogger Bloody P said...

To not be so nerdy, I am bringing my +4 cloak of invisibility to hide my laptop.

Of course, my +9 long sword will be hidden in my pants, as always.

At 12:48 AM, Blogger Lydia said...

re: your metrosexual product rant. if it makes you feel any better, kyan really isn't kyan. his real name is eddie. i know someone who used to date him. let's just say my friend was shocked when eddie showed up on tv as a grooming guru.

lydia, the fabulous best friend of the lovely and talented mrs. jasonspaceman

At 11:49 AM, Blogger Drizztdj said...

Want to make it three at the bar playing online poker?

I'll wow the ladies with my ability to 5 table the H.O.R.S.E. games

It may require a ride home to Maple Grove, but I can see if the wife is willing to bring me out there.

At 3:47 PM, Blogger Bloody P said...

A threesome? With Chad and Drizz? My dream has finally come true!

That would kick ass.

At 3:48 PM, Blogger Chad said...

Things just got WAY beyond gay. Wow.

At 7:13 PM, Blogger Huge Junk said...

Gay is not the word for this.

Totally Homoriffic is more like it.

I can imagine the ladies looking over your shoulder and nudging their friends as they see you playing $25 NL tables.

You guys are sooooo getting laid.

At 10:24 AM, Blogger Chad said...


$25NL? Whoa, simmer down now big spender. I'll be attempting to melt off all those panties at the $10NL tables!

At 12:57 PM, Blogger Bloody P said...

I'll be throwing nickels around like they was Benjamins, while the laydeez be throwin' their panties at me.

At 2:23 PM, Blogger Drizztdj said...

I could always wow the ladies with my usual $1,000 buy in at the .02/.04 tables.

I'm still trying to get a ride, and I'll be on the girly chat machine tonight. Softball ran too late last night.

At 5:29 AM, Blogger Joanne1111 said...

dont forget to bring your 16-sided dice

At 11:54 AM, Blogger TripJax said...

This post was 62.4% gayer than the average post.

Well done, Sir.

At 3:51 PM, Blogger Joe Speaker said...

You guys are all gonna be thrown in Dork Prison.

I didn't take my facial sunblock on my trip. It's scotland and Ireland. There's no fucking sun. Eighty degrees. Every. Day. My face is more leathery than Linda Evams's leathery face.


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