Pokerama-rama! Now with more beer!

Beer, brewing and poker, with possibly some inane drivel on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

It's been awhile since I've written anything regarding poker, and it might have to wait until after I return from Vegas in a few weeks that I actually sit down and mash something out with this keyboard o' mine. I let The Bitch back in my life a few weeks ago with the promise that things would change, that this time it would be different. Well, she's still a bitch, but slightly less of one, so I'm keeping her around while the apologetic head-getting is good.

I'm not much of a basketball fan, and even less of a basketball player. You can't expect much for a 6'1" white guy, and unfortunately I've never been called the Poor Man's John Stockton. The NBA is the poker equivalent to a house-rigged home game, though, and I rarely watch my Timberwolves play. And when I do, they usually lose. I'd rather watch women's hockey.

But, it's March Madness! Am I allowed to use that phrase if it's not for profit? Who cares. I love NCAA basketball, even if the Gopher's could only beat ranked teams at William's Arena, but couldn't beat the Special Olympics gold medalist if the game was played on the road. At least we have the NIT.

Cue laughter...now.

I signed up for the NCAA March Madness on Demand, and it sounds like I'm one of the lucky few whose company isn't bright enough to block the feed. So, I'm sitting here, eating my sub-par penne and watching anything and everything I can related to the tourney. Why not throw a little wrench in the spokes and live blog? Ok, you win unassuming, silent, nodding readers.

12:45pm- Uh, gwah? Pacific better not fuck up my whole bracket. During last year's tourney, I was out of the running during the 3rd round. I picked, liked, 1 game right. Maybe even less. This tied at half time thing does not sit well with me.

12:55pm- High-larious. The pop-up window that displays the video for this thing employs what is called a "Boss Button". You click it and you get this. Fine, it's not that funny. In my defense, though, I find farts funny.

1:05pm: Crap, I may be away from this for awhile. Next update pending.

1:40pm: Ok, quit fucking around BC. Finish 'em already. You've put on a good ruse so far, but there's no reason to make this 'close game' this believable. I can't have you losing in the first fucking round. To Pacific. If, by chance, you decide to choke, I might as well do the same thing, but on the money I spent on my bracket.

1:44:pm: I'll never understand why you'd try to block a three point shot. WHY? Get in their face, put your hands up, but it's un-fucking-necessary to think you're good enough to block the shot without hitting the shooter.

1:45pm: Oh God.

2:06pm: Double OT? No. Just no. My poor steroid-enlarged heart can't take it.

2:07pm: If you've ever met me, you'd realize that the steroid thing was a joke. If I was actually taking steroids--for anything other than my impending gender reassignment surgery, of course--I should ask for my money back.

2:21pm: It's a damn good thing BC dominated in the 2nd overtime. I didn't want to say anything for fear of being beaten by a sack of soap, but I have Boston College going to the Final Four. Aaaaand, now that I've written it down here, they'll likely lose in the next round. Lovely. I'm 3-0 so far, and that's 3 more right picks than I had in all of the first 10 games last year.

Due to "blackouts", I'm forced to either watch the (3)Florida vs. (14)South Alabama, or the (2)Tennessee vs. (15)Winthrop. The latter is a surprisingly good game so far. The only problem is that I have to listen to Kevin Harlan scream into my ear, and I wouldn't be surprised to hear a Pooh Richardson reference in the next 10 minutes.

2:34pm: Winthrop just put in a 5'8" freshman. Hell, even I'm taller than that kid. Put me in, coach. I'm ready to throw up bricks, double dribble and wow the cheerleaders with my 13cm vertical, but at least I've got 3" inches on the frosh.

You're right, that's 5". I'm not good with numbers, either.

2:40pm: Break in the action. I'm stopping by Home Depot after work to pick up a no splash funnel, clear tubing, a roll of duct tape and a leak-proof piss sack. I'm not sure if they carry the last item, but I'm sick of missing parts of the game because I have to pee every 10 minutes.

3:04pm: In the next 4 games, I've got (7)Marquette, (2)Tennessee(How in the fuck did they get the 2 seed?), (3)Florida and I picked (12)Montana for my (12) over (5) first round upset pick. So far, so good, but like CJ said "Watch out for Winthrop. Could be close at the end".

3:26 pm: My ears hurt. It's either because my headphones are too tight, or Kevin Harlan's voice is boring into my brain through my ear canal. It's a toss up.

3:36 pm: My ex-girlfriend, Crystal, attends the University of Memphis, and she gave me the following advice; "Don't bet on the Tigers. They're overrated, and I just want them to lose so all the stupid people down here will shut up about 'em."

Oh yeah, her favorite team is Duke.

You make the call here.

Make the call about what? Like I have a clue. I'm the writer, not the thinker person.

4:04 pm: Be afraid of anyone named "Major", and Winthrop looks like they have a case of the ill-advised-shot-itis.

4:23 pm: The end of the Tennesee/Winthrop is the exact reason I love this tournament. Good God.

5:04 pm Fuck Marquette. Had it not been for their atrocious play(I'm just taking a stab here, as it was a blackout game), my 2006 NCAA bracket would've started out at 7-0. I'm not that lucky.

Ah hell, I'm leaving work. I just can't wait to brush the new snow off my car, drive home behind the pleb Minnesota drivers, and attempt to secure a parking spot for the next few days. Snow Emergencies are a bitch.

4 Comments:

At 2:22 PM, Blogger Joe Speaker said...

Whew.

Guess who has BC winning the whole thing? Not that them losing in the first round wouldn't just be another in a seemingly endless line of indignities I am apparently destined to suffer this year.

If you see 2006 anywhere, tell 'im I said, "Fuck off."

 
At 2:39 PM, Blogger Huge Junk said...

I played a bunch of 2-team parlays, the Round Robins, and I had Pacific straight up for the upset. Fucking 5 point lead with under two in OT, right? Then a BC 3, a miss by Pac, and a foul (A FOUL?!?) where a guy who is 3 for 7 on free throws knocks em both down and we go to DOT. Of course BC is up 9 faster than a retard attempts to hump a sexy doorknob, and my big upset dollars are gonzo.

 
At 2:42 PM, Blogger CJ said...

Watch out for Winthrop, could be close to the end.

 
At 6:34 PM, Blogger Bloody P said...

Congrats on getting out of the Cities and going to the Playboy Mansion (you fucker).

 

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