Pokerama-rama! Now with more beer!

Beer, brewing and poker, with possibly some inane drivel on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

I'm broke.

There, with that out of the way...wait, what do you mean "explain"? Awh, do I have to? Poop.

November was one of my best poker months, and it came at a great time, right before the WPBT at the Imperial Palace. I cashed out my online 'bankroll'--if you can call it that--a week before leaving, and it allowed me the opportunity to play in games higher than I'd played before. That, my friends, was a good feeling.

I basically broke even that weekend, poker-wise, but when I returned back home, I didn't re-deposit all that Vegas money back in my account. A large portion of it, sure, but looking back, it definitely wasn't enough. Since that time, I've been on what basically amounts to a -650bb downswing. 2 1/2 months of losing. The amount of money shipped to the other side of the table isn't the most important part, because it's technically not a large amount of money comparatively.

The -650bb lost is what stings. Poker is a huge, masochistic mindfuck. Looking at my graph of the last two months, and all the awful red columns in my PT database, well, that rips the shiv out forcefully, and in it's place, jams in Paul Bunyan's axe.

That's a Minnesota reference, people. No, 'axe' is not a euphamism for 'wang'. Not in this instance at least.

I was playing on Full Tilt this Sunday, when it finally happened; I went on tilt. I never go on tilt. I'm pretty good at leaving a table if I've just suffered a bad beat and steaming, but go on tilt I did. And the result?

Pissing away what was left of my already decimated bankroll. AA is cracked by QQ happens every damn day. Hell, just the week before I cracked AA with my QQ, and laughed when the opponent called me a 'lucky $%#@*&'. After finding Otis' post on different forms of tilt, I realized the tilt I suffered from wasn't outlined.

Sure, it could be called 'variance tilt', incurred from months of getting kicked in the taint, but I don't think that adequately described my play. I think a better way to describe it, for me at least, would be 'apathy tilt'.

Apathy tilt-The version of tilt incurred by the false mindset that, regardless of what you do, what cards you're dealt, or how well you play those cards, it just doesn't matter. It's the feeling I had that I couldn't control the outcome; that no matter what I did, I couldn't win. So, I spewed chips when I was way behind, and if you've ever played against me at all, you know it's tough to take me for a whole stack unless you suck out on me, hardcore. I'm not much of a donater. Or, at least I wasn't until last week.

The last $25 of my online bankroll went away thusly; I'm sitting on a 6-max table on the button with 10d-Jd. It's folded around and I raise it to 4x bb and am called by only the big blind. The flop comes out J-7-6, two spades. The opponent checks, I fire a continuation bet, and he decides to check raise me all in. Without even thinking about what he might have, I called his $19 check raise. With a pair of jacks with a 10 kicker.

I knew I was beat, and it wasn't even a close decision. And I still called! All I could think was, well, he's gotta have me beat, but rather than make the right choice and fold, I'll call because I'm just going to lose this money eventually, and I might as well let it happen sooner, rather than later. Spewage.

Right now, sitting in various online poker accounts, there's a total of 1 cent. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Where in the fuck am I supposed to go from here? It's not like Full Tilt plans on starting quarter-penny tournaments, right?

Right.

I have money that I could deposit, but I can't say that I really want to at this time. It wouldn't be very wise of me to do that. Not that it's stopped me before, I'm just saying. For the time being, the only poker I will be playing is 500 FT point token tourneys. When I exhaust all of those points, I'm not sure what I'll do. Not quit, that's for sure, but it's obvious that my plan of attack--or lack thereof--failed, and miserably at that. I need goals. I need something to strive for. I need to hire someone to shock me in the balls when I do stupid things with my bankroll, not because I particularly enjoy being shocked in the balls(not that I know of, anyway), but because I deserve it.

I've always believed that I'm not a drool-cup-wearing mongoloid, but my track record hasn't exactly proven my theory, either.

9 Comments:

At 2:26 PM, Blogger Klopzi said...

I feel for you - I've been on apathy tilt many times and I've only been playing for 8 months.

It's going to be hard building up your bankroll without putting a little money up front.

But don't do it if you're still so far removed from the game mentally that you can't see yourself winning hands without holding the nuts.

Stop playing or thinking about poker for a couple weeks. Then ease back into it by reading a few blogs here or there and watching Rounders a few times.

You'll be back in no time.

 
At 2:56 PM, Blogger SirFWALGMan said...

Been there.. done that. I am the king of busted bankrolls, lol, good luck building back up when you feel like it.. I am sure you will do fine.

 
At 3:24 PM, Blogger Bloody P said...

Feel ya.

About a month ago, I pissed my bankroll down to a FREAKIN' NICKEL.

Four cents more than you've got, but still.

I decided that instead of reloading my account and pissing that away, I'd have to earn it.

I started playing the Daily Freeroll on Holdempoker.com (Poker Room skin) and started getting into the money. I'd win $4 here, $5.83 there, and finally made it to a final table where I finished in 9th and made a little better than $21.

The moral of this story is that I went from a nickel to about $30 in the course of the week, which gave me a little money to enter the 4K Frenzy ($2 buy-in) and I placed there. I played a mini-freeroll and won the thing (and $25).

Do you see where this is going? Not only did I earn the money with little or no buy-in, I got BETTER AT POKER and at MTT's.

Hang in there. Variance is a harpie. You'll bounce back.

 
At 9:56 PM, Blogger FatBaldGuy said...

Maybe a bit of a break will be good for you. Probably not, if my experience is anything to go by, but it is nice to think so.

Seriously, give it a bit and your mind will come right.

 
At 8:35 AM, Blogger Daddy said...

Don't listen to these dingles.
Your game is broke, and there's no fixing it. Call up Drizz and see if he'll sell you one of his amp'd up role playing characters. Poker is not for the weak. Maybe you should join the Marines.

Or, take up ice fishing.

 
At 9:46 AM, Blogger Drizztdj said...

I gots me a level 50 Blademaster 4 U 2 playzorz!!!!!11111

Seriously, find the fun/competitiveness in poker again BEFORE you re-deposit. Right now if your mind-set is in "aw' fuck it" mode, you might well hop down to Dream Girls and give your money to an overweight/skanky (maybe I went on a bad night) stripper.

At least you'll get a reach around and maybe a kick to the taint if you swing that way.

 
At 3:56 PM, Blogger Huge Junk said...

PUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSYYYYYYYY!!!!

Get back on the horse playing something different (and cheap) and just have some fun with poker for awhile. Leave the grind for later.

 
At 1:40 PM, Blogger TripJax said...

Take a break, then redeposit later...or listen to daddy.

Either way, we'll be here when you get back...

 
At 9:29 AM, Blogger Mourn said...

Drizz is right. Think about why you started playing poker and see if those reasons still exist. Think about new reasons you discovered during your playing career. Find a reason to play, find something that hooks you, learn a new game and play it at the micro levels. If apathy is the only emotion you can muster towards poker and you're just playing because its a habit, take a break and don't throw good money after bad. Wait until you have a reason to play and then bring your A game and exact your retribution on variance and the donkeys who consort with her.

 

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