State of the Rama-rama Address.

Bloggers, table mates, fellow masochists, lend me you ears(and hows-about a stack of your chips? No? Assholes). How many--I say--how many times are we going to get kicked in the taint while holding the non-euphamistic Pocket Rockets before we fight back? We don't have to live like this!

[crowd erupts]

Do you want to live like this?

"Hell no!"

Then it's time to make a change, a change to make this game we play enjoyable. Can I get a witness?

[crowd looks around confused and shrugs]

"HOLLA?"

So where does Rama-rama stand? Well, I'm here to tell ya. I've been playing this game, "Pokah", for almost 3 years now. I've had my ups and downs, peaks and valleys, I've felt like I've been on top of the world one night, and in the dirtiest slut-gutter(different than a gutter-slut, but not much) the next. I've had highs and I've had lows...

"We get the point!"

Where was I? Oh yeah...highs and lows and even recently felt like I was sitting on a plateau. As we all know, stasis is death. Or worse, a poker plateau is like dry-humping; while it can still be enjoyable, there has got to be something better out there.

"Dry humping! Rah!"

I'm sick of dry-humping.

"Dry humping! Boo!"

It's been fun, it's felt good, but goddamn it chaffes like a son-of-a-bitch, not to mention leaves me wholly unsatisfied. I want boobs! And I want...other stuff that I don't feel typing out because my mom might be reading(and it makes me giggle). Hi Mom! I want more than the humping while dry.

As the Donkey-Fucker(not Puncher or Hunter) would say "my game is sick". Seriously, folks, my game is, like, wicked-awesome or something. In my infantile opinion, I'm playing the best poker of my quasi-adult life. It's a good thing I'm too stupid to figure out how to get into the WPBT IRC chat, because you'd all have to listen to just how unreal I've been playing lately.

Thought the bankroll definitely isn't relaying this information, I have been playing well. This may not be well known, but does anybody know my biggest tournament downfall?

[crowd sighs and deadpans] "Collecting chips in early rounds..."

You've heard that before? Huh. I may have considered myself an ok player, but apparently I wasn't smart enough to collect early round dead-money. But all that has changed! No more push-n-pray around the first break, oh no. I'm a bona fide chip collector, yessirree Bob.

"Haaaaaaaaaa-lay-lu-yah!!"

Instead of going over results, or posting hand histories, I'm going to cut this short(because I lost my steam somewhere around the first crowd eruption) and leave you with this; the beer is on me.

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!"

[crowd rushes stage, tips over live microphone] Squuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuealllllllll