"I thought you had AK"
Stars player in chat after his 9's knocked out an opponents JJ on the first hand of a SNG

He played one hand against this poor shmuck and somehow, with some miracle 7th sense, was able to pin AK to his forehead? Yeah, sure. You betcha. I've been known to underestimate an opponents hand before. Believe me, I'm not immune. But, I try to wait at least two hands before I peg a bets meaning. I'm good like that.

Most of the time I underestimate an opponents hand, it always seems to be when they have a monster and play it in such an odd and fucked up way. Like, when they limp along with 8 others while holding AA, only to call, not raise, someone--more than likely me--all the way down to the river to have their aces hold up. If I did that, it would end up with my hand being 5th best, right behind two pair, a straight, a flush, and two five of a kinds.

Since my return to Stars a few weeks ago, I've been dumbstruck at the level of play being displayed,(somewhere between full-fledged retard and embryonic) and it ultimately leaves me feeling like a dumbfuck. Frustration does not begin to cover it. For instance, I was playing in a $10 SNG earlier today when this abomination of a hand came up.

I was dealt JJ in MP and, OF COURSE, raised it up by 4. Only 1 caller, the BB, and not the 5 limp/raise callers that I've grown accustomed to. Fine by me, my measly pocket knaves, they don't want much company. They're a little on the shy side, not to mention horrible in dealing with crowds. Pussies. I brought them to a bar once. They sat in the corner, drinking wine spritzers while having a good cry. Like I said, pussies.

Flop:4-J-5(rainbow)

What would you do with this flop against one opponent? I have the gonads, and want to do everything in my wicked deep poker arsenal to milk this shlub dry. He checked, so I checked right behind. Nah doi. There are no feasible draws out there that would call my raise, and giving him a free card can't possibly hurt me.

Turn: 6

Ok, there's a weak straight draw on the board, but it didn't worry me. He checked again, and I wasn't about to let him have two free cards. Pot bet, pot bet pot bet. Wee, that hand was fun. Until he called. Quoi? I am confused.

A blank fell on the turn, and when he checked again, it was obvious, obvious, OBVIOUS that I had the best hand. So, I bet just enough to leave him with a few hundred left in his stack. He called and turned over, duh, 23s for the turned ass end of the straight. 2nd nuts to the poker players in the group. I was a little miffed and felt it necessary to rap on the glass with my palm.

"What are you doing?" I typed indignantly into the chat box. I'm not sure my anger was a conveyed adequately through the chat box, as it reads just like my normal question-asking chatbox typing.

"What do you mean?" replied the victor. His name wasn't really Victor, but you get the point. I suppose his name could've been Victor. I didn't ask. How cool would that have been if he had been a Victor? Not quite as cool as I just built up, that's for sure.

"You had the second nuts. Why didn't you raise me on the end? Were you really that worried about the possibility I had 78? I typed in response to the retard. Slowly. So that his brain wouldn't have a critical meltdown.

So, I didn't type this in the chat, but I sure wanted to. I hate it when players berate others following so horrible suckout, and I never do it myself. Oh, I've wanted to, but unless I'm playing on the same table with someone I know, I usually have the chat off. We all know it's just too much work for me to click the "player chat" check box hidden behind the dealer tray. Yeah, sue me, I'm lazy.

I can honestly say, though, that this was the first time that I wanted to go out of my way to berate a player for not taking enough of my chips. If I had a first born son to wager with--which will be highly unlikely even in the future(it's all the booze and syphillis that's been a great preventative measure)--I would've gladly bet him, too, positive that I had the best hand.

And now I realize that I just used my work computer to google "syphillis" for a spellcheck. What color is a pink slip?

Just to close out this stupid entry, here's a list of things that I don't need to do in order to make money. In other words, I need to stay the fuck away from these things. These are more of a self-reminder than anything else.

Don't push jacks into the button's queens. Heh, that sounds naughty.
Don't play "turbo" SNG's due to lack of time for a real SNG. Just don't play.
Don't call a LP raise from EP with A-10s and then push on a 10 high flop. He doesn't have AK.
Don't call Joe a homo. He cries like you just kicked his Bichon.
Don't overestimate your abilities after a few good tournaments. The bad will soon follow.
Don't let the new girl take what has been, over the last two years, your 'poker time'. (I'm not hip with relationships)
Don't drink coffee before bubble play starts. Nothing good can come out of it, or your body.
Don't continue with these fucking goddamn second-fucking-place finishes. They're getting old, you shitty heads-up playing wanker.

That is all.