Tentative Wednesday night schedule:
4:30 pm: Look at clock, note that I still have 1/2 hour left of work.
4:35-4:55 pm: In 5 minute intervals, curse the clock for making 30 minutes take so damn long
5:00 pm: Thank the clock for being so kind. Clean kiss marks off protective clock glass. Leave work.
What? I said CLOCK glass.
5:15 pm: Arrive at home, and start preparing a dinner of boneless, skinless chicken breast and egg whites. If I want to be a champion, I need to eat like one.
5:45 pm: Note that "eating like a champion" is for superstitious people. Superstitious people with shitty taste buds.
6:00 pm: Put the entire Survivor anthology in MP3 playlist for later, including Eye of the Tiger 6 times in a row. Decide if I Love a Rainy Night by Eddie Rabbit should be included in this queue. Realize that it shouldn't, but add it anyway, because I can never say no to Eddie Rabbit.
6:15 pm: Shave and shower in preparation for my victory speech after winning the tournament in a new world record of two hands.
6:30 pm: Write note on hand so that I remember to tell Shana to "drop that zero and get with a hero". It doesn't matter that I'll just get flustered, my palms will sweat, smudging the ink, and I'll undoubtedly reverse the order. My charm and wit will get me by.
6:45 pm: Play a few practice hands at Doyle's Room. Mentally curse the players for being so bad, and then follow it up by cursing myself for not being able to win their money. Blame the cards.
7:15 pm: Start rockin' Survivor playlist. Try to feign stupidity when roommate asks "Was that really Eddie Rabbit I just heard on repeat 6 times?"
7:30pm: Delete every Eddie Rabbit song I own. And every song pertaining to love, rain, or night.
7:45 pm: Fire up PokerStars. I'm not even trying to be funny here. That's what I'm really going to do.
I want to do good tonight, but really, who doesn't? I wish I could just proclaim myself the winner right now. I could go on and on about how I'm going to check raise everyone and their grandmother. Or, how I'm going to run over each table I'm at, building up a chip stack so huge, that you won't even be able to see my player icon through the plateau of chips. Or even how I'm going to donate all my winnings to those "less fortunate". I could write about all that, but I won't. I'm far too modest for that. Not to mention good-looking, independently wealthy, musically inclined, or that I'm so in tune to the intricacies of poker that I don't play with the pros for fear that I'll embarrass them. Consider yourselves lucky that I'm modest.
I remember my first time playing in a WPBT event. The tourney was being held at Pacific Poker, and to say that I was nervous would be a gross understatement. I was worried that I'd be outclassed, outmatched and any other "out" that you can work in there. Well, except for being "outted". That would be just wrong.
Looking back at my first tourney experience, and after playing so many hands at the blogger table recently, I realize that I had nothing to worry about. I do, however, wish that someone had given some tips on how to play in these events. I didn't fare all that bad in my first go, finishing in the teens out of sixty some odd players, but I can't help but feel that I would've done better, if only I'd had a little pre-tourney pep talk. You know, something to make me feel that I fit in. Something that prepared me for what I was about to experience. See, that's why I'm here. Now, what I'm about to tell you is highly regarded as "classified information", and by divulging it, I'm exposing myself to many verbal lashings from my blogger brethren. But, if you're a newbie in search of some guidance, you've come to the right place. Even if you're a seasoned WPBT Pro such as myself, just read along and laugh in my face if you like.
1-Upon immediately being seated at your opening table, type "Which one is Iggy?" in the chat box. Also, make sure that you believe everybody that fesses up to being him, even if their screen name oddly matches up with another website. Really, don't we all have a little bit of Iggy inside us?
2-You must play The Hammer at least once, if not every time it's dealt to you. If you choose not to play it for whatever reason, never, and I repeat never tell anyone that you folded it. It's looked upon as being very weak, and the vultures will prey on your still breathing lungs.
3-Speaking of The Hammer, you must:
a: be very afraid of any board containing both a 7 and a 2, regardless of what you hold. Chances are good that somebody is holding two pair, and if you can't beat two pair, fold. Fold pocket aces without even thinking once, let alone twice.
b:Make sure that a board containing a 7 and a 2 doesn't pass you by without typing "THE HAMMER!" in the chat box. Everyone is thinking it, so you might as well be the witty one. Right? Of course I'm right.
4-If you're ever seated at a table with Sean or BG, and feel like fitting in, make sure you bring up "nut cancer" as a conversation starter. They go coo-coo for nut cancer.
5-Never miss an opportunity to tell the people you're chatting with how much you love their blog, even if you don't have a clue if they actually have one. For the ones that do, it'll make them feel honored, hopefully honored enough to bestow some of their chips upon your stack. For the ones that don't, it'll make them think that you're either drunk, senile or both. Either way, it's a win/win situation.
6-Employ the very powerful "Minimum Raise Strategy", or Mrs. for short. It's not only highly technical, but well-respected, too. If some hunyuck types "Min raises make baby Jesus cry" into the chat, it's just because he's jealous of your superior skill. And really, if it did make baby Jesus cry, he wouldn't be crying because he's so sad, but because he's so damn proud of his poweful little poker player.
7-Top pair, top kicker will win you a shitload of chips. Sure, you just as easily lose with it, but for the sake of my argument, this glass is half-full. This is a hand that you must move all your chips to the middle, no matter the texture of the board. What's that? There's 4 to the flush on the turn and you hold none of that suit? Who cares, you've got top pair, top kicker! Push! You say there's a broadway straight draw on the river, with 6 people still betting like the chips are on fire? Hey, no problem, top pair, top kicker never let us down before! Push! Get your chips in the middle before it's too late!
8-If you're ever involved in a hand with some dumbass with the screen name "Donegal", fold. He's good. Like, really good. Like, Zeus good. I'm not sure just how good Zeus is as a poker player, but come on, it's Zeus. It's best to steer clear of him even if you're dealt pocket aces, because he'll suck out on you. Hey, why are you giggling? No, it's not a stupid screen name! Oh that's it, I'm coming after your chips, you gigglepuss, you. This means war.
There, I hope that helps anyone entered in tonight's WPBT event. The only difference between this and a blogger table is that there's never been a time that $1000 has been sitting on a blogger table.
Now, where did I put that Eddie Rabbit album...