Setting: Crowded bar. Loud music. Plenty of attractive people all around.

Ok, imagine yourself as a woman at bar with a bunch of friends, enjoying a night out. For some of you, this will be easier to do, what, with already having a vagina, and all. Damn that vagina.

You're just sitting there, drinking, laughing, having fun with a group of your girlfriends, when all of the sudden, you turn around and there's a guy right there, ready to introduce himself to you. Or "hit on you", whatever. You hadn't seen him up until now, even though you've been at said bar for hours. Now, he's not gorgeous, but not unattractive, either. Just a normal guy. What do you do?

What-do-you-do?

Does this creep you out? That was a little over-aggressive, don't you think?

You never noticed him, but he sure in the hell noticed you, and approaching probably wasn't a spur of the moment thing. He sat back, watched you from afar, and picked his spot to hit on you. Let me reiterate that you didn't goad him on at all, by giving him "eyes", or anything like that. He basically just blindsided you. You never even knew he was there, let alone gave any inkling that you wanted him to go out of his way to approach you.

Flattered, or uncomfortable?

Ok, switch positions for a second and imagine that you're the guy. Stop playing with your new-found penises and listen for a second. You're at the bar with some buddies, and you notice her. She's with a bunch of her friends, and absolutely gorgeous. If you were ever asked to draw up your perfect women, it's very possible that she is the epitome of it. At least, physically, because she could have the personality of a turd for all you know. For as much as you try, you just can't get her to look your way. You walk by repeatedly, but she's too enthralled with her conversation to notice. You even fake cough as you walk by, with the hope that she might turn her head your way. You conveniently position yourself in her line of sight, but all to no avail. Is she really that aloof, or just ignoring me?

Hmmm.

Well, without a good read on her at all, you decide to suck it up, pull your balls out of your mom's purse, and introduce yourself. You figure if you're far too passive, you'll never get to talk to her and that's not good, now is it? For all you know, she could see you as the modern day Quasimodo. You'll know when you talk to her which group you've been put into; doable, or oh dear God, did your neck puke? You're setting your self up to be shot down, Big Time. Walking over there, you clear your throat, adjust your crotch, tap her on the shoulder and squeakily eek out a "Hi, I'm..."

Shot down. Why? Because you're stupid.

Here's where I try to tie this in with things I see all the time when I go out, so try and follow along. When my buddies and I go out, they are the guys that hit on women. Non-stop. And how many times do they end the night with a freshly-shorn minx on their arm?

Rarely.

My friends hit on women with blind aggression, and more often than not, the women will just stare at them like a dog trying to figure out a newborn baby; turning their head to the side as if the guy is speaking in clicks and whistles. While this is funny for me, especially when it's a buddy doing the hitting on, it does them no good.

Me, I'm the guy that likes to gain some sort of "read" on a girl before I even think about talking to her. Repeated eye contact, or even a well timed smile is a good indication that you've got her weak hand dominated, and you should go talk to her. Either that, or she's trapping you. It's not that hard to understand.

Even if the girl is my idea of perfection, it's wasted time and energy if I don't have a clue what she's thinking or even notices that I exist. If I can't put her on a hand, I need to be careful. Does this make me smarter than most men? No, I wouldn't go that far. Does it work for me, though? Hell yes!

I think that women are afraid of outright agression. Why is it that so many guys are retarded when it comes to this? Jeremy and I had this "friend", Neil, who was the most aggressive guy you've ever met. If there was a decent looking girl in the bar, you can be sure that he's hit on her, or will by the end of the night. He'd even hit on the uglies. I don't think that he ever went home with a girl, which was of course his intent, and women knew that. He lost every damn hand he played.

Not that this is much import to the story, but Neil was much more sleazy than that, too. Just to give you a taste, when I was "dating" Alicia, he once asked me "If you ever don't want to see her anymore, I'll take her!" What kind of ass says that?

Anyhow. Not that hooking up is ever my prime objective when I go out-that's reserved for getting my buzz on- because women sniff that shit out a mile away. If it happens, it happens. You can't play it the same way every time, or they'll catch on.

This is where "selective aggression" comes into play. You pick your spots wisely, and when you see an opening, go for it. Jam the pot, figuratively, of course. If the girl across the bar is smiling at you, it's probably because she's into you, not because she's got a weird tic that makes her perma-smile at the creepy guy when she feels uneasy.

Ever been to a bar and noticed a decent looking guy garnering the attention of all the girls, even if there are other, more attractive men in the room? Of course you have. What's he doing that's so special? Playing his cards right, so to speak, that's what. And so many guys play theirs wrong. Oh so wrong.

Agreed?

The popular guy has women, for the most part, figured out. I see all this, because I rarely play my cards at all. I like to observe people and then laugh at them when things go horribly awry.

I'm not the smartest guy by any means, but when I do play my cards, I try to play them right. I'm this close to dialing in to a spot between blind aggression, and pansy-assed passivity. I know that it's not going to work out sometimes, regardless of how I play my hand. The law of averages says that I'm bound to lose at one point. Just ask the girls that I've creeped out, pissed off, or just flat out left baffled in the 12 months. You'll be at it a while.

Tight-Agressive is the way to play your hand against women; Don't overplay it too early, and when you've got the best of it, Jam the pot.

When did this turn into an advice column? God damn. My point to this whole thing is this;

Why are guys so fucking dumb?